just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
