my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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