Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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