i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
