five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
