Umm I'm too high to move.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
