i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize