My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
