We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
