u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
