Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
