Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
