you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
