She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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