I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
