He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
