youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
