Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
