I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
