she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
