We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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