Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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