im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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