I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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