my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
