My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
