I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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