I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
