He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
