She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize