can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
