remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
