after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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