Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
