Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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