my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
