I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
