Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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