my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
