so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
