Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
