Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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