I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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