final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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