I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
