but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
