Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i was born a porn star she said
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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