Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
