But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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