I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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