I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We need to get me chipped asap
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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