after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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