Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
