I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
