i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
