She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
